How do you harden yourself against disappointment? If anyone knows, please inform me. I'm tired of being let down. Ridiculously optimistic and kind if probably an understatement of my character. I hope for the best until it just breaks my heart. That's how it always goes down.

I have discovered that I try to take care of and focus on other people to avoid doing precisely that for myself. It is easier to worry about you than me and requires less introspection.

From an away message I once wrote

#1

This I promise myself, one day I will be truly happy with another person. This will be an all encompassing happiness, one that is not marred by minor disagreements or immature opinions. A love that will grow with each passing day and be the light that guides me home. It will be the comfort of listening to rainfall at night before bed and the bliss of laying in the sun and talking. That love will be something I cherish and keep safe because I know the pricelessness of it. I will hold onto it and fight for it like I have for everything important in my life. One day I will achieve that, I promise myself.

#2

I want to love unconditionally. I want to see past everyone's little imperfections, to see how perfect they are. I want to know what it is like to be loved like that. To love and be loved like little children. That deep sense of attachment. I want to help people achieve their dreams. There's a really great country song that goes, "In my dreams, your dreams come true" and that is a direction that I see my life going in. Seeing other people happy is what makes me happy. To do something for someone that seems small and inconsequential to me and watch the smile grow across their face, is a feeling I cannot accurately describe.

Ah! I love it when life is going so well that I forget to write. I used to be able to judge the quality of my existence by how much I had to write down in order to sleep or get through the day. I've graduated college and now I'm STILL waiting on grad school so that I can know what I'll be doing with my life. I need to find a job but admittedly, I'm not trying very hard right now because I am trying to soak up the last days of irresponsibility and happiness that I can before the real world sets in. One thing that I am certain of is that I do not need to achieve ridiculously or have mile high goals to reach in order to be happy. I want a job that I enjoy and good friends to spend my free time with and I'm pretty sure that is all that I need to be happy. There are books to read, films to watch, and amazing photographs to be taken. Love is an integral part of my life equation as well but that can wait awhile yet, I'm plenty content with the way life is right now.

So once upon a time, I met a boy on facebook. He found me by searching names and, by chance, we became friends. We messaged endlessly on multiple mediums and after awhile graduated to phone conversations. On one end of the line, the actor, musician, dreamer, and sailor and on the other, the book lover, writer, optimist, and college student from North Carolina. There were songs sung to each other (Moulin Rouge Medley anyone?), texts of lyrics and quotes, the whispered words of dreams and aspirations for the future, and shared stories and secrets across the miles. I have never known a more giving and willing person than him, completely honest with all his feelings and thoughts, sometimes it even shocked me with how in tune he was with how he felt and how he would tell me precisely what was on his mind. It helped me to become more open and I began holding less back. I'm sure you can guess what happened next, with nothing more than voices, words, and online photos, we fell for each other. One of those lovely doomed relationships that leaves you still friends and invariably knowing more than ever. Here are two excerpts from something we wrote to one another.

Him : I asked you if it was possible to love someone if you had not truly physically met and yes, I've fallen. I have fallen for your voice. I have fallen for your still smile. I have fallen for your laugh. I have fallen for your motionless eyes and your beautiful face. From your toes to your fingers, I have only begun to be introduced to a whole new side of love that is foreign to me. A love that comes not with jealousy or control, but with purity and truth. I hear beautiful songs full of wondrous melodies and think of you. I think of what your voice sounds like and feels like. Honestly, I know you, I know you more than anyone because, ironically, I have never met you.
I want to know you. I want to feel what you feel, and see as you see. You are such a wonderful person, who has helped me and given me hope, that yes, there is a person out there; someone intellectual, who breathes feels, knows and believes in the truth behind life.

Me : I like re-reading this. It reminds me that the world has not given itself over to physicality or become far too jaded. You help me remember what it is like to go headfirst into anything and everything and so I want to thank you for that because I feel that I had retreated into shell that was more protective of my heart and of my feelings. Your honesty intrigues me, there is nothing hidden and I secretly rejoice each time you entice or force me to admit something I'd rather not. One day luck will allow our meeting and until then, we will always have late nights and the phone lines.The one thing that I fear is that once I say hello, I will never want to say goodbye. I do promise that one day you will see the real me, and we will be able to connect the faces to the words to the voices and we will still be glad you found me that day.

I'm so glad I got tangled up in you, if only for a little while because I needed that fresh breath of air in my life.

Creating or Finding?

When we're all out in the world, doing what we do, are we creating or finding ourselves? Does it have to be one way or the other. I believe that some people were born a certain way, and life is merely an excavation into the soul, discovering the things that make you happiest. For others, however, life is a creation and a work of art by that person who wishes to be a certain way or follow a certain path. Neither should be preferred to the other, its like left or right, you have to pick one. How does anyone know what they are though? I have no idea what I'm doing, sometimes I feel like I'm doing what I want to do and other times I feel like I am trying to be what other people assume or want me to be. I am ok with that, mostly people want the best or assume good things. I ignore the rest.

So I think that I have now saved everything from my old journal that was worthwhile so let the new writing begin, albeit slowly.