Nothing makes me more eloquent and ready to write than the sound of rain on my windowsill.

I am going to try and appreciate all the things in my life.

No one is perfect. No one. But when love is involved, it is a truly magical feeling when that other person makes you feel perfect.

Taking care of people is what I do best. From being a personal assistant, to back rubs, and many other things.

Chapel Hill is the most wonderful place in the world. Picturesque and delightful.

How does one go about building a relationship after tearing down what little foundation there was?

I am proud of you and everything you have already accomplished.

Some people will never change, no matter how much you care or fight.

I think its true that if you find a job doing what you love, then you’ll never work a day in your life.

And it’s also true that people need loving the most when they deserve it the least.

This isn’t elegant or witty, just honest: I think I’m allergic to my rental car. Goddamnit.

Everyone seeks a happy ending. What is yours?

Feel free to comment, anonymously or not.

Craving Childhood

Oh to be a little kid again. To be the first to dive down a dark hole under the old farmhouse and explore what would soon be our hideout and storage space for our harvested (stolen) cotton from the countless acres across the street. I cringe just thinking about what sort of creepy crawlies lived in the absolutely cavernous and ancient crawl space. I played in huge piles of leaves that Mom raked up despite there being VISIBLE SPIDERS there with me. God, I'll never do that again. Ew.

I was a unknowingly mean child who put tadpoles in a garden hose and then blew them out the other end back into the pond. I just thought that I was showing them a world outside the weeds near the banks but unwittingly I was basically shoving them in a cannon and not even having the decency to have a count down to lift off. Never roasted ants with a magnifying glass, but only because I wasn't patient enough to hold it still for the required heating up process, otherwise I'm sure I would've fried more than a hill or two.

But I was a brave little girl who could leap long snakes with a single bound, but only because I didn't even realize it was a snake and when I was informed, promptly burst into tears. That same little girl rescued tiny mice from a mean old barn cat, until one bit her and she hurled it into the woods out of righteous anger and has never touched a mouse since.

My sneaky lovely daddy taught me how to do a mean Richard Nixon impression and even procured photographic evidence of it, probably to use as blackmail at some point in the distant future in case I don't put him in a good Old Folks Home. He also took a year to build me the world's only triangular tree house and made sure I had my own work bench and THREE tool boxes in his work shop.

I was a hopeful kid. I spent hours after school one year sitting in the clover patches of our yard searching for any that had more than 3 leaves. At one point I had a 7 Leaf Clover. Beat that bitches. Also I carved my initials on ancient Beeches down by the old creek bed and informed the world of my crush on the underside of the Hwy 264 Bridge.

I climbed trees and had my own one woman spy network on the next door neighbors. Considering the kind of people they were, I should've turned my notes over to Jerry Springer ASAP. I read 10 books a week because my mom must've heard that Albert Einstein said,

"If you want your children to be intelligent, read them fairy tales. If you want them to be more intelligent, read them more fairy tales"

"When I examine myself and my methods of thought, I come to the conclusion that the gift of fantasy has meant more to me than any talent for abstract, positive thinking."

But what I like best about back then is the fact that I had big dreams and a crazy imagination. I still have those and I am never letting them go.

One of those days...

It has been one of those days. A day where a single email (not even angry or purposefully mean) pushed me to tears because it took something from my heart without even meaning to. A day where I have been happy, sad, energetic, exhausted, pensive, and apathetic. Today I have questioned what I am currently doing with my life (answer : just getting by for now) and why I chose to stay (answer: unsure at this point). I am working my ass off with three jobs just to stay where I am and I am trying damn hard just to be happy with myself.

I want to go home. I can't. I don't even have the time between my jobs to drive 60 miles and spend a day with my parents.

Before you can grow up, you must fall in love 3 times.

Once you must fall in love with your best friend, ruining your friendship forever. This will teach you who your true friends are, and the fine line between friendship and more.

Once you must fall in love with someone you believe to be perfect. You will learn that no one is perfect, and that you should never be treated as any less than you deserve.

And once you must fall in love with someone that is exactly like you. This will teach you about who you are, and who you want to be.

And when you're through with all that, you learn that the people who care about you the most are the ones that you hurt, and the ones that hurt you are the ones that you needed the most.

But most of all, you learn that love is only a concept and is not something that can be defined, it is different to each person that experiences it. And you will learn to respect each and every person on this earth, knowing that everyone only wants to be loved.

At the end of the day, I am ok with the person I have become. I may not always like myself but there isn't much I'd go back and change. Being perfect was never a goal.

[insert big sigh here]

So recently I was accused of ‘giving myself far too much self worth’ by someone who is going to gain far too much pleasure in realizing this bothered me enough to write about. I’d like to know what people prefer, someone who at least puts on a good front of being self assured and confident or someone that lets their severe doubts and insecurities about themselves be known to everyone? Some days I have the self esteem to realize that I’m actually quite an amazing person who has a lot to contribute wherever I go. Other days I am crippled by doubt in myself and what I am doing with my life because I don’t have grand ideas or a master plan for it all.

I’ve gotten good at acting, pretending that I don’t care what people think. For the most part I actually don’t, I may be curious if I think you have an opinion that differs from how I see myself but I don’t actually give a damn and sometimes even find your interest or judgment of me to be amusing. But I do care immensely about the people that actually matter to me, perhaps not all friends per say, but people whose opinions I take seriously. Seeking approval is what I have done all my life, whether it was being the smartest student to impress teachers or being the best girlfriend. I don’t feel that seeking the approval of others is a bad thing; I’m not looking for a pat on the head but rather a smile or the knowledge of appreciation.

There is a difference between constructive criticism and your constant disparagement of seemingly everything that I happen to talk about. After realizing I was ‘exceedingly headstrong’ apparently you decided to break me of it at all costs. The fundamental difference between us is that you care too much about yourself and I care too much about other people.