So I was watching one of those movies tonight. Not the one I went to with my friends, the one I bought for $5 because I like the way it makes me think. I look back at these last few months of journal entries and feel ashamed at how petty and vapid they have become. I used to write occasionally and it had real substance. But back to the movie. That $5 is worth the way it makes my mind go. The quote that I wrote down from it is rather long but here goes

"Crazy isn't being broken or swallowing a dark secret. It's you or me amplified. If you ever told a lie and enjoyed it, if you ever wished you could be a child forever. They were not perfect".

Everyones a little crazy and I think everyone that says they've never felt it is a liar. Those days when the sadness seems to overwhelm you no matter what song you play or what favorite book you read or movie you decide to watch. Sometimes life is just like that for most people. Almost nothing can lift you from it, its just got to be waited out. Sometimes it doesn't even last a day. But the point is to be strong enough to know that while everything looks so bleak, you are looking through a window that doesn't really let you see clearly. Like those ones that make everything look all wavy or blurry. When looking through that glass, you are stable enough to tell yourself that the world doesn't really look like that on the other side of the glass. So remember to tell yourself on those sad days that life doesn't really look like that, so maybe you should try another point of view, just like you would try another window.

To win that feeling of happiness, real happiness, we have to accept that we may and will occasionally feel that emptiness. The emptiness that is worse than any real feeling. When you feel like you have just made your last attempt and you just can't go through the motions again. Thats when you've got to learn to lean on who you have. People who will give you hugs whenever you need them. People who will do those little things that work better than anything else (like the promise of chocolate). All you've got to do is reach out, just reach a little bit, and someone will reach back for you. It could be that they are across a campus, across a county line or two, or even across state lines. They'll reach out in the best way that they can when the going gets a little rough. You just have to know when to say something.

Telepathy would be nice. So people could just scan your mind and see what you're feeling. Unfortunately this is never going to happen. The umpteenth (where the fuck did that word get made up?) time someone asks "Whats up" or "What are you thinking about" just maybe they should get a response back "I'm having a really bad day" or I don't know... anything but nothing. Nothing is that buzzword that always means something. I like to listen to people. I know people say that but I have the phone bills to back it up. I guess its just a gene I have or something. I want to take care of people. I want to fix scraped knees, hug pain away, and kiss off tears. I end up feeling likea hypocrite though sometimes because the people I listen to often have much more tangible problems than I do. The precious few that do understand are the ones I treasure. The ones that know that a good life doesn't always lead to happiness in the mind.

I know I'm not the only one that has problems. I just despise letting mine show. I let things build up, I let my worries run away with my imagination, I just get so down sometimes. Things are always righted in the end, someone comes along with a hug, a reassurance, a funny story, or the offer of an ass kicking and then everything melts away until another day. I think a lot of people are like that. They don't like to let other people know their weaknesses. I say, tell the closest, just don't broadcast your shit to the world cuz no one likes a whiner. I guess I'd have more of a standing if I had a tangible problem, like a disease or handicap or something. I do. The disease is apathy and the handicap is normalcy. I don't want an ordinary life but I don't really know what to do to change it and I can't seem to talk myself into finding out. I'm taking steps towards fixing it.

Little things, like better grades, cementing friendships, and doing things just because they make me happy. Sunshine and a breeze that still hinted of springtime. Cuddled up on a bench in the shade. It's that carefree feeling that I can't get enough of. When the worries melt away and the smile is genuine.