Nothing makes me more eloquent and ready to write than the sound of rain on my windowsill.

I am going to try and appreciate all the things in my life.

No one is perfect. No one. But when love is involved, it is a truly magical feeling when that other person makes you feel perfect.

Taking care of people is what I do best. From being a personal assistant, to back rubs, and many other things.

Chapel Hill is the most wonderful place in the world. Picturesque and delightful.

How does one go about building a relationship after tearing down what little foundation there was?

I am proud of you and everything you have already accomplished.

Some people will never change, no matter how much you care or fight.

I think its true that if you find a job doing what you love, then you’ll never work a day in your life.

And it’s also true that people need loving the most when they deserve it the least.

This isn’t elegant or witty, just honest: I think I’m allergic to my rental car. Goddamnit.

Everyone seeks a happy ending. What is yours?

Feel free to comment, anonymously or not.

Craving Childhood

Oh to be a little kid again. To be the first to dive down a dark hole under the old farmhouse and explore what would soon be our hideout and storage space for our harvested (stolen) cotton from the countless acres across the street. I cringe just thinking about what sort of creepy crawlies lived in the absolutely cavernous and ancient crawl space. I played in huge piles of leaves that Mom raked up despite there being VISIBLE SPIDERS there with me. God, I'll never do that again. Ew.

I was a unknowingly mean child who put tadpoles in a garden hose and then blew them out the other end back into the pond. I just thought that I was showing them a world outside the weeds near the banks but unwittingly I was basically shoving them in a cannon and not even having the decency to have a count down to lift off. Never roasted ants with a magnifying glass, but only because I wasn't patient enough to hold it still for the required heating up process, otherwise I'm sure I would've fried more than a hill or two.

But I was a brave little girl who could leap long snakes with a single bound, but only because I didn't even realize it was a snake and when I was informed, promptly burst into tears. That same little girl rescued tiny mice from a mean old barn cat, until one bit her and she hurled it into the woods out of righteous anger and has never touched a mouse since.

My sneaky lovely daddy taught me how to do a mean Richard Nixon impression and even procured photographic evidence of it, probably to use as blackmail at some point in the distant future in case I don't put him in a good Old Folks Home. He also took a year to build me the world's only triangular tree house and made sure I had my own work bench and THREE tool boxes in his work shop.

I was a hopeful kid. I spent hours after school one year sitting in the clover patches of our yard searching for any that had more than 3 leaves. At one point I had a 7 Leaf Clover. Beat that bitches. Also I carved my initials on ancient Beeches down by the old creek bed and informed the world of my crush on the underside of the Hwy 264 Bridge.

I climbed trees and had my own one woman spy network on the next door neighbors. Considering the kind of people they were, I should've turned my notes over to Jerry Springer ASAP. I read 10 books a week because my mom must've heard that Albert Einstein said,

"If you want your children to be intelligent, read them fairy tales. If you want them to be more intelligent, read them more fairy tales"

"When I examine myself and my methods of thought, I come to the conclusion that the gift of fantasy has meant more to me than any talent for abstract, positive thinking."

But what I like best about back then is the fact that I had big dreams and a crazy imagination. I still have those and I am never letting them go.

One of those days...

It has been one of those days. A day where a single email (not even angry or purposefully mean) pushed me to tears because it took something from my heart without even meaning to. A day where I have been happy, sad, energetic, exhausted, pensive, and apathetic. Today I have questioned what I am currently doing with my life (answer : just getting by for now) and why I chose to stay (answer: unsure at this point). I am working my ass off with three jobs just to stay where I am and I am trying damn hard just to be happy with myself.

I want to go home. I can't. I don't even have the time between my jobs to drive 60 miles and spend a day with my parents.

Before you can grow up, you must fall in love 3 times.

Once you must fall in love with your best friend, ruining your friendship forever. This will teach you who your true friends are, and the fine line between friendship and more.

Once you must fall in love with someone you believe to be perfect. You will learn that no one is perfect, and that you should never be treated as any less than you deserve.

And once you must fall in love with someone that is exactly like you. This will teach you about who you are, and who you want to be.

And when you're through with all that, you learn that the people who care about you the most are the ones that you hurt, and the ones that hurt you are the ones that you needed the most.

But most of all, you learn that love is only a concept and is not something that can be defined, it is different to each person that experiences it. And you will learn to respect each and every person on this earth, knowing that everyone only wants to be loved.

At the end of the day, I am ok with the person I have become. I may not always like myself but there isn't much I'd go back and change. Being perfect was never a goal.

[insert big sigh here]

So recently I was accused of ‘giving myself far too much self worth’ by someone who is going to gain far too much pleasure in realizing this bothered me enough to write about. I’d like to know what people prefer, someone who at least puts on a good front of being self assured and confident or someone that lets their severe doubts and insecurities about themselves be known to everyone? Some days I have the self esteem to realize that I’m actually quite an amazing person who has a lot to contribute wherever I go. Other days I am crippled by doubt in myself and what I am doing with my life because I don’t have grand ideas or a master plan for it all.

I’ve gotten good at acting, pretending that I don’t care what people think. For the most part I actually don’t, I may be curious if I think you have an opinion that differs from how I see myself but I don’t actually give a damn and sometimes even find your interest or judgment of me to be amusing. But I do care immensely about the people that actually matter to me, perhaps not all friends per say, but people whose opinions I take seriously. Seeking approval is what I have done all my life, whether it was being the smartest student to impress teachers or being the best girlfriend. I don’t feel that seeking the approval of others is a bad thing; I’m not looking for a pat on the head but rather a smile or the knowledge of appreciation.

There is a difference between constructive criticism and your constant disparagement of seemingly everything that I happen to talk about. After realizing I was ‘exceedingly headstrong’ apparently you decided to break me of it at all costs. The fundamental difference between us is that you care too much about yourself and I care too much about other people.

Romance

Some time in my life, I would like a great romance. Not a grand one mind you, but a great one. I don't want to be whisked away to far away cities and be given gifts of jewelry. Instead I would like to be amazed and humbled at small showings of affection and caring that touch my heart. Because everyone, it is the small things that matter. Life isn't about the physical things, but rather, the emotional and mental things. I want to hear someone talk late into the night, and feel as though they are speaking directly to my soul.

Home

I would have never before said that I was proud of where I was from but I'm not sure I could love anywhere else as much. I love it for all the things that it gave me and even some of the things it did not give me. I only know my family back until a certain point because once you reach a specific place in time, records were not kept for the farmers and the poor. How could I not love the place that gave me initials on old trees by the stream or playing hide and go seek in 30 acres of untouched forest. The air smells different on the farm and I feel as though a weight has been lifted from my shoulders on the rare occasion that I get to return there. The rest of the world is amazing. It holds history that we will never know. I want to see it all, I want to roam the lands in Europe, Africa, and Asia. I want to see the ruins and read the history books and walk on paths cut by feet many centuries gone. Then I want to return home, to my quiet life. Return to walks in the woods with my father. I am both ashamed and fiercely proud of the small place that made me who I am. It is different than anywhere else. Unless you live less than 30 miles away, you've never heard of it and you never will. That doesn't mean the people who live here are any less important, its just that they devoted their lives to something different.

“Courage is not the absence of fear but the judgment that something else is more important than fear. The brave may not live forever but the cautious do not live at all. For now you are traveling the road between who you think you are and who you can be.”

I feel rather embarrassed that I just quoted "The Princess Diaries" but Meg Cabot actually wrote that line and I haven't forgotten it since I read that book probably 10 years ago. I put the part I like best in bold. I feel that a minute spent worrying or over analyzing a situation is a minute wasted when you could've been doing what you truly wanted to do instead of considering all the possible outcomes and picking the safe bet. Risk isn't a bad thing. Don't embrace the security of a 'safe life' too much (unless of course that is exactly what you desire) and make sure that while you are getting the bills paid you are also bringing your dreams to fruition.

I'd rather die a day, or a week, or even a month sooner if I could truly know in my heart that I took the big chances that actually made me a happier and better person. No sense in living til you're 102 if you spent half your life being bored or cautious.

So go and have an adventure or two. It will be a lot more satisfying than sitting at home just thinking about it. Be brave!

“We all die. The goal isn't to live forever, the goal is to create something that will.”

Chuck Palahniuk

This quote speaks to the deepest part of me. The part that doesn't know what comes after death, there might be a heaven and/or a hell. There could be simply nothing, death could be like a single light being extinguished or burnt out. My mind cannot grasp such intangible things as faith and religion. Belief in a higher power is something I will never have, despite my occasional longing for it because there is no proof strong enough in the world to satisfy my questions.

To battle these feelings, I think of how I can make a simple or small impact that will leave a mark after I am gone. To cause a positive change that has a ripple effect over those that I know is my only desire. So very few people ever realize the effect they have, I want to embrace the world and affect it as much as possible. It's the only way that I will be able to feel as if I'll live forever.

Please no comments about religion.

How do you harden yourself against disappointment? If anyone knows, please inform me. I'm tired of being let down. Ridiculously optimistic and kind if probably an understatement of my character. I hope for the best until it just breaks my heart. That's how it always goes down.

I have discovered that I try to take care of and focus on other people to avoid doing precisely that for myself. It is easier to worry about you than me and requires less introspection.

From an away message I once wrote

#1

This I promise myself, one day I will be truly happy with another person. This will be an all encompassing happiness, one that is not marred by minor disagreements or immature opinions. A love that will grow with each passing day and be the light that guides me home. It will be the comfort of listening to rainfall at night before bed and the bliss of laying in the sun and talking. That love will be something I cherish and keep safe because I know the pricelessness of it. I will hold onto it and fight for it like I have for everything important in my life. One day I will achieve that, I promise myself.

#2

I want to love unconditionally. I want to see past everyone's little imperfections, to see how perfect they are. I want to know what it is like to be loved like that. To love and be loved like little children. That deep sense of attachment. I want to help people achieve their dreams. There's a really great country song that goes, "In my dreams, your dreams come true" and that is a direction that I see my life going in. Seeing other people happy is what makes me happy. To do something for someone that seems small and inconsequential to me and watch the smile grow across their face, is a feeling I cannot accurately describe.

Ah! I love it when life is going so well that I forget to write. I used to be able to judge the quality of my existence by how much I had to write down in order to sleep or get through the day. I've graduated college and now I'm STILL waiting on grad school so that I can know what I'll be doing with my life. I need to find a job but admittedly, I'm not trying very hard right now because I am trying to soak up the last days of irresponsibility and happiness that I can before the real world sets in. One thing that I am certain of is that I do not need to achieve ridiculously or have mile high goals to reach in order to be happy. I want a job that I enjoy and good friends to spend my free time with and I'm pretty sure that is all that I need to be happy. There are books to read, films to watch, and amazing photographs to be taken. Love is an integral part of my life equation as well but that can wait awhile yet, I'm plenty content with the way life is right now.

So once upon a time, I met a boy on facebook. He found me by searching names and, by chance, we became friends. We messaged endlessly on multiple mediums and after awhile graduated to phone conversations. On one end of the line, the actor, musician, dreamer, and sailor and on the other, the book lover, writer, optimist, and college student from North Carolina. There were songs sung to each other (Moulin Rouge Medley anyone?), texts of lyrics and quotes, the whispered words of dreams and aspirations for the future, and shared stories and secrets across the miles. I have never known a more giving and willing person than him, completely honest with all his feelings and thoughts, sometimes it even shocked me with how in tune he was with how he felt and how he would tell me precisely what was on his mind. It helped me to become more open and I began holding less back. I'm sure you can guess what happened next, with nothing more than voices, words, and online photos, we fell for each other. One of those lovely doomed relationships that leaves you still friends and invariably knowing more than ever. Here are two excerpts from something we wrote to one another.

Him : I asked you if it was possible to love someone if you had not truly physically met and yes, I've fallen. I have fallen for your voice. I have fallen for your still smile. I have fallen for your laugh. I have fallen for your motionless eyes and your beautiful face. From your toes to your fingers, I have only begun to be introduced to a whole new side of love that is foreign to me. A love that comes not with jealousy or control, but with purity and truth. I hear beautiful songs full of wondrous melodies and think of you. I think of what your voice sounds like and feels like. Honestly, I know you, I know you more than anyone because, ironically, I have never met you.
I want to know you. I want to feel what you feel, and see as you see. You are such a wonderful person, who has helped me and given me hope, that yes, there is a person out there; someone intellectual, who breathes feels, knows and believes in the truth behind life.

Me : I like re-reading this. It reminds me that the world has not given itself over to physicality or become far too jaded. You help me remember what it is like to go headfirst into anything and everything and so I want to thank you for that because I feel that I had retreated into shell that was more protective of my heart and of my feelings. Your honesty intrigues me, there is nothing hidden and I secretly rejoice each time you entice or force me to admit something I'd rather not. One day luck will allow our meeting and until then, we will always have late nights and the phone lines.The one thing that I fear is that once I say hello, I will never want to say goodbye. I do promise that one day you will see the real me, and we will be able to connect the faces to the words to the voices and we will still be glad you found me that day.

I'm so glad I got tangled up in you, if only for a little while because I needed that fresh breath of air in my life.

Creating or Finding?

When we're all out in the world, doing what we do, are we creating or finding ourselves? Does it have to be one way or the other. I believe that some people were born a certain way, and life is merely an excavation into the soul, discovering the things that make you happiest. For others, however, life is a creation and a work of art by that person who wishes to be a certain way or follow a certain path. Neither should be preferred to the other, its like left or right, you have to pick one. How does anyone know what they are though? I have no idea what I'm doing, sometimes I feel like I'm doing what I want to do and other times I feel like I am trying to be what other people assume or want me to be. I am ok with that, mostly people want the best or assume good things. I ignore the rest.

So I think that I have now saved everything from my old journal that was worthwhile so let the new writing begin, albeit slowly.

I think I'm attracted to fucked up people? I don't even want to describe the fucked-up-ness of the others. It would take too long. Its like I want to fix them and I want to be the person to make them happy and to end that infinite string of rainy days. I'd make a great therapist. Combined massage and vocal therapy. I'll listen while I give you the best backrub of your LIFE. I guess since I've just never been that way in my life that I want to know how people can get like that. I hate that anyone hurts or is sad or confused. I just want to put a kiss it, put a bandaid on it, and make it all better. I know its not as easy as all that (psst metaphor!) but its a good place to start. I want to watch you sleep and know you are having good dreams because you're lying next to me. I'll chase the demons away.


I heard a song today that made me think and the lyrics I heard were "Dance til you fall / Love til you die / Shut your mouth". Sure I know its the same as that "Dance like no one is watching and love like you've never been hurt" But I think it makes better sense cuz it straight up tells you to shut up. Quit your bitching and live your life. Thats all there is to it. Dance til you your legs won't hold you up anymore and you've had so much fun you think your face will fall off from smiling so much. Love til life is over and don't waste any time being mad or being fickle. Love is too much fun and too great a feeling to miss out on even a single second of. Then when you've got those two covered... Shut your mouth! You are living the good life if you've got a place and people to dance til you fall with and then you have that special someone to catch you from that fall and take you home and tuck you into bed.

So I was watching one of those movies tonight. Not the one I went to with my friends, the one I bought for $5 because I like the way it makes me think. I look back at these last few months of journal entries and feel ashamed at how petty and vapid they have become. I used to write occasionally and it had real substance. But back to the movie. That $5 is worth the way it makes my mind go. The quote that I wrote down from it is rather long but here goes

"Crazy isn't being broken or swallowing a dark secret. It's you or me amplified. If you ever told a lie and enjoyed it, if you ever wished you could be a child forever. They were not perfect".

Everyones a little crazy and I think everyone that says they've never felt it is a liar. Those days when the sadness seems to overwhelm you no matter what song you play or what favorite book you read or movie you decide to watch. Sometimes life is just like that for most people. Almost nothing can lift you from it, its just got to be waited out. Sometimes it doesn't even last a day. But the point is to be strong enough to know that while everything looks so bleak, you are looking through a window that doesn't really let you see clearly. Like those ones that make everything look all wavy or blurry. When looking through that glass, you are stable enough to tell yourself that the world doesn't really look like that on the other side of the glass. So remember to tell yourself on those sad days that life doesn't really look like that, so maybe you should try another point of view, just like you would try another window.

To win that feeling of happiness, real happiness, we have to accept that we may and will occasionally feel that emptiness. The emptiness that is worse than any real feeling. When you feel like you have just made your last attempt and you just can't go through the motions again. Thats when you've got to learn to lean on who you have. People who will give you hugs whenever you need them. People who will do those little things that work better than anything else (like the promise of chocolate). All you've got to do is reach out, just reach a little bit, and someone will reach back for you. It could be that they are across a campus, across a county line or two, or even across state lines. They'll reach out in the best way that they can when the going gets a little rough. You just have to know when to say something.

Telepathy would be nice. So people could just scan your mind and see what you're feeling. Unfortunately this is never going to happen. The umpteenth (where the fuck did that word get made up?) time someone asks "Whats up" or "What are you thinking about" just maybe they should get a response back "I'm having a really bad day" or I don't know... anything but nothing. Nothing is that buzzword that always means something. I like to listen to people. I know people say that but I have the phone bills to back it up. I guess its just a gene I have or something. I want to take care of people. I want to fix scraped knees, hug pain away, and kiss off tears. I end up feeling likea hypocrite though sometimes because the people I listen to often have much more tangible problems than I do. The precious few that do understand are the ones I treasure. The ones that know that a good life doesn't always lead to happiness in the mind.

I know I'm not the only one that has problems. I just despise letting mine show. I let things build up, I let my worries run away with my imagination, I just get so down sometimes. Things are always righted in the end, someone comes along with a hug, a reassurance, a funny story, or the offer of an ass kicking and then everything melts away until another day. I think a lot of people are like that. They don't like to let other people know their weaknesses. I say, tell the closest, just don't broadcast your shit to the world cuz no one likes a whiner. I guess I'd have more of a standing if I had a tangible problem, like a disease or handicap or something. I do. The disease is apathy and the handicap is normalcy. I don't want an ordinary life but I don't really know what to do to change it and I can't seem to talk myself into finding out. I'm taking steps towards fixing it.

Little things, like better grades, cementing friendships, and doing things just because they make me happy. Sunshine and a breeze that still hinted of springtime. Cuddled up on a bench in the shade. It's that carefree feeling that I can't get enough of. When the worries melt away and the smile is genuine.

A teacher asked us what we would prefer, to be immortalized in art (writing, painting, music) or to lead a fulfilling life. Most of my classmates picked the fulfilling life and one in particular voiced the thoughts that I had put down on my paper.

I would choose to lead a fulfilling life. To make dreams come true, accomplish goals, and invest yourself in other people is a better way to 'immortalize' yourself. The change you enact might not bear your name, but that doesn't change its significance. Some art is unsigned or the author's name has been lost, but that doesn't decrease the value of it an any way, it just makes it harder to credit someone. Life isn't about getting credit for your actions. Firemen don't save rescue people for the fame, it is their job, what they want to do, and how they make their difference in the world. If a fireman rescues a boy tomorrow from a burning house and that boy grows up to be the best leader in history, then that fireman is an anonymous contributor to whatever that boy achieves. This seems to be far more important than having your name on a poem discussed throughout classrooms nationwide. Sure it would be nice to be in a Norton Anthology one day, but I'll be dead by then and it won't matter a bit.

I want to raise a family and invest in my children and grandchildren the way my mother and grandmother invested in me, sometimes in ways they never even realized. Had my grandmother not had a burning desire to attend UNC in the late '30s then I might not be here today. Her choices in life, to be a mother and a social worker, have shaped my life in ways she would've never imagined. I wish that she could have known that I'm here now and that I think of her every time I walk down Franklin past Mallette Street where she grew up. My mother never tried to sell this place to me, in fact I'm pretty sure I never realized she went here until I was in middle school and it was highschool before I learned how many of my relatives had UNC degrees. She was subtle. She showed me her yearbooks on rainy days and took me to plays at Playmakers. Daddy brought me to a football game once. Other than that, I was left to my own decisions. I'm glad I made the right one. I can't imagine where my life would be now, had I chosen State or applied to Duke. I'm sure I'd be happy, but I can't imagine my life without the people I've met these past 2.5 years. I hope they continue to be a part of my life for the rest of it!

I don't really worry about the time when my life will end (although I do fervently hope that it is not any time soon!) because the way I want to live my life, that day will come and I'll have no regrets. I'm not a religious person and most of you know this. I have expressed my views on this to one person really, and I probably would need his help in order to put them into words again. I don't worry about an afterlife, or heaven and hell. My life will be lived the way it should, like it is a little piece of heaven on earth. I want to do big things, but more importantly, I want to affect people. It doesn't matter if they like me or not. I want to inspire strong emotion. Since Ashlei and I trade quotes (since she loved that "I'm attracted to fucked up people. No, thats not nice. I'm not attracted to normalcy) here is something she believes, "Love me or hate me, I couldn't care less". I want people to be able to say, "Wow, she is amazing! I wish more people were like that!" or even "I fucking hate her! Why is she like that?" To cause strong feelings of both kinds, you must be doing something right (and the people that don't like you are probably just jealous!). I think she makes a good point and I love her for it. I'll never forget the times we shared in middle school or highschool and I hope to see her to the great things that I know she is capable of. I want to make a difference after I leave UNC like she will when she graduates from ASU (and goes on to Law School since only she can argue as well or better than me!).

I want my kids to go to school here. But I want them to understand that if they chose somewhere else, I'd be just as proud of them (going to college will be non-negotiable). I want them to be able to look back on me and feel like I supported them enough to follow their dreams, without trying to inflict my dreams upon them. I want them to do what makes them happy and support them through it all, even if I'm not quite sure I understand, because once upon a time, my parents did that for me and I'm not sure I really thought about it before tonight. Thank you.

I want to love unconditionally. I want to see past everyone's little imperfections, to see how perfect they are. I want to know what it is like to be loved like that. To love and be loved like little kids. That deep sense of attachment. I want to help people achieve their dreams. There's a really great country song that goes, "In my dreams, your dreams come true" and that is a direction that I see my life going in. Seeing other people happy is what makes me happy. To do something for someone that seems small and inconsequential to me and watch the smile grow across their face, is a feeling I cannot accurately describe. Making people happy and seeing people smile is what brings me the most joy.

Took me a little longer than I thought to get around to talking about class. First the kinda lame sad quote "In life there is much to be endured, little to be enjoyed"

But I'll stick to the theme of balance. In order to find happiness there must be balance. You have to balance living in the present with remembering the past, and looking to the future. You can't live your whole life thinking about what has happened in the past, but neither can you live entirely for the future. There has got to be some time to enjoy the now. It's ok to look back on good memories and its also ok to plan for the future. But you can't let those things consume you. It's like working so hard to provide for your children (and their futures) that you miss out on the little moments of their childhoods.

I live almost entirely in the past and present cuz the future gets here fast enough without trying to speed it along. I don't plan alot ahead (haha like past the coming weekend) and I love to remember good times with good people

Excerpt from Mrs. Dalloway by Virginia Woolf

"I will come," said Peter, but he sat on for a moment. What is this terror? what is this ecstasy? he thought to himself. What is it that fills me with extraordinary excitement? It is Clarissa, he said. For there she was.

I really like that little passage. It shows what love can do to you. It is fear, pleasure, and happiness all mixed in together. Each of those emotions can be for several things too. Fear of what you feel, fear of losing it, and fear of messing up. Pleasure from being with that person, knowing that person is there for you when you might need them. Happiness from having someone to share with. I didn't like that whole damn book except for that little ending bit.

So I was pondering something as I waited for the bus today and it was the question of whether it is worse to be forgotten or to be ignored.

To be forgotten insinuates that your importance was slight to the person doing the forgetting. That causes a bit of pain to think that you had such a small impact on a person that they could forget about you. Memories are treasured pieces of us and I struggle to remember the names and faces of people that I have known throughout my life so that if I ran into someone, I'd be able to recall them and save us all some pain and embarrassment. It brings a certain warmth to the heart to find someone from times past and they remember you or something about you. I got a series of forwards from an email address I didn't know but a sender name that struck me as familiar. It turned out to be a girl that I had not seen or heard from since we were 5 years old (we had gone to the same daycare for most of the time before reaching kindergarden). We had not forgotten eachother even though it had been 15 years.

Now being ignored on the other hand is a bit more irksome and painful. It relates a certain feeling of willfulness on the part of the other person. Usually we use it to express our displeasure at//dislike of a person. Ignoring is one of the least noticeable but most hurtful punishments used. No one else really notices the act being perpetrated and we only see the slight pained look on a persons face.

Either of these situations are unpleasant and each lead to one of my greater fears.

So what do you think is worse?