How do you harden yourself against disappointment? If anyone knows, please inform me. I'm tired of being let down. Ridiculously optimistic and kind if probably an understatement of my character. I hope for the best until it just breaks my heart. That's how it always goes down.

I have discovered that I try to take care of and focus on other people to avoid doing precisely that for myself. It is easier to worry about you than me and requires less introspection.

From an away message I once wrote

#1

This I promise myself, one day I will be truly happy with another person. This will be an all encompassing happiness, one that is not marred by minor disagreements or immature opinions. A love that will grow with each passing day and be the light that guides me home. It will be the comfort of listening to rainfall at night before bed and the bliss of laying in the sun and talking. That love will be something I cherish and keep safe because I know the pricelessness of it. I will hold onto it and fight for it like I have for everything important in my life. One day I will achieve that, I promise myself.

#2

I want to love unconditionally. I want to see past everyone's little imperfections, to see how perfect they are. I want to know what it is like to be loved like that. To love and be loved like little children. That deep sense of attachment. I want to help people achieve their dreams. There's a really great country song that goes, "In my dreams, your dreams come true" and that is a direction that I see my life going in. Seeing other people happy is what makes me happy. To do something for someone that seems small and inconsequential to me and watch the smile grow across their face, is a feeling I cannot accurately describe.

Ah! I love it when life is going so well that I forget to write. I used to be able to judge the quality of my existence by how much I had to write down in order to sleep or get through the day. I've graduated college and now I'm STILL waiting on grad school so that I can know what I'll be doing with my life. I need to find a job but admittedly, I'm not trying very hard right now because I am trying to soak up the last days of irresponsibility and happiness that I can before the real world sets in. One thing that I am certain of is that I do not need to achieve ridiculously or have mile high goals to reach in order to be happy. I want a job that I enjoy and good friends to spend my free time with and I'm pretty sure that is all that I need to be happy. There are books to read, films to watch, and amazing photographs to be taken. Love is an integral part of my life equation as well but that can wait awhile yet, I'm plenty content with the way life is right now.