So I think that I have now saved everything from my old journal that was worthwhile so let the new writing begin, albeit slowly.

I think I'm attracted to fucked up people? I don't even want to describe the fucked-up-ness of the others. It would take too long. Its like I want to fix them and I want to be the person to make them happy and to end that infinite string of rainy days. I'd make a great therapist. Combined massage and vocal therapy. I'll listen while I give you the best backrub of your LIFE. I guess since I've just never been that way in my life that I want to know how people can get like that. I hate that anyone hurts or is sad or confused. I just want to put a kiss it, put a bandaid on it, and make it all better. I know its not as easy as all that (psst metaphor!) but its a good place to start. I want to watch you sleep and know you are having good dreams because you're lying next to me. I'll chase the demons away.


I heard a song today that made me think and the lyrics I heard were "Dance til you fall / Love til you die / Shut your mouth". Sure I know its the same as that "Dance like no one is watching and love like you've never been hurt" But I think it makes better sense cuz it straight up tells you to shut up. Quit your bitching and live your life. Thats all there is to it. Dance til you your legs won't hold you up anymore and you've had so much fun you think your face will fall off from smiling so much. Love til life is over and don't waste any time being mad or being fickle. Love is too much fun and too great a feeling to miss out on even a single second of. Then when you've got those two covered... Shut your mouth! You are living the good life if you've got a place and people to dance til you fall with and then you have that special someone to catch you from that fall and take you home and tuck you into bed.

So I was watching one of those movies tonight. Not the one I went to with my friends, the one I bought for $5 because I like the way it makes me think. I look back at these last few months of journal entries and feel ashamed at how petty and vapid they have become. I used to write occasionally and it had real substance. But back to the movie. That $5 is worth the way it makes my mind go. The quote that I wrote down from it is rather long but here goes

"Crazy isn't being broken or swallowing a dark secret. It's you or me amplified. If you ever told a lie and enjoyed it, if you ever wished you could be a child forever. They were not perfect".

Everyones a little crazy and I think everyone that says they've never felt it is a liar. Those days when the sadness seems to overwhelm you no matter what song you play or what favorite book you read or movie you decide to watch. Sometimes life is just like that for most people. Almost nothing can lift you from it, its just got to be waited out. Sometimes it doesn't even last a day. But the point is to be strong enough to know that while everything looks so bleak, you are looking through a window that doesn't really let you see clearly. Like those ones that make everything look all wavy or blurry. When looking through that glass, you are stable enough to tell yourself that the world doesn't really look like that on the other side of the glass. So remember to tell yourself on those sad days that life doesn't really look like that, so maybe you should try another point of view, just like you would try another window.

To win that feeling of happiness, real happiness, we have to accept that we may and will occasionally feel that emptiness. The emptiness that is worse than any real feeling. When you feel like you have just made your last attempt and you just can't go through the motions again. Thats when you've got to learn to lean on who you have. People who will give you hugs whenever you need them. People who will do those little things that work better than anything else (like the promise of chocolate). All you've got to do is reach out, just reach a little bit, and someone will reach back for you. It could be that they are across a campus, across a county line or two, or even across state lines. They'll reach out in the best way that they can when the going gets a little rough. You just have to know when to say something.

Telepathy would be nice. So people could just scan your mind and see what you're feeling. Unfortunately this is never going to happen. The umpteenth (where the fuck did that word get made up?) time someone asks "Whats up" or "What are you thinking about" just maybe they should get a response back "I'm having a really bad day" or I don't know... anything but nothing. Nothing is that buzzword that always means something. I like to listen to people. I know people say that but I have the phone bills to back it up. I guess its just a gene I have or something. I want to take care of people. I want to fix scraped knees, hug pain away, and kiss off tears. I end up feeling likea hypocrite though sometimes because the people I listen to often have much more tangible problems than I do. The precious few that do understand are the ones I treasure. The ones that know that a good life doesn't always lead to happiness in the mind.

I know I'm not the only one that has problems. I just despise letting mine show. I let things build up, I let my worries run away with my imagination, I just get so down sometimes. Things are always righted in the end, someone comes along with a hug, a reassurance, a funny story, or the offer of an ass kicking and then everything melts away until another day. I think a lot of people are like that. They don't like to let other people know their weaknesses. I say, tell the closest, just don't broadcast your shit to the world cuz no one likes a whiner. I guess I'd have more of a standing if I had a tangible problem, like a disease or handicap or something. I do. The disease is apathy and the handicap is normalcy. I don't want an ordinary life but I don't really know what to do to change it and I can't seem to talk myself into finding out. I'm taking steps towards fixing it.

Little things, like better grades, cementing friendships, and doing things just because they make me happy. Sunshine and a breeze that still hinted of springtime. Cuddled up on a bench in the shade. It's that carefree feeling that I can't get enough of. When the worries melt away and the smile is genuine.

A teacher asked us what we would prefer, to be immortalized in art (writing, painting, music) or to lead a fulfilling life. Most of my classmates picked the fulfilling life and one in particular voiced the thoughts that I had put down on my paper.

I would choose to lead a fulfilling life. To make dreams come true, accomplish goals, and invest yourself in other people is a better way to 'immortalize' yourself. The change you enact might not bear your name, but that doesn't change its significance. Some art is unsigned or the author's name has been lost, but that doesn't decrease the value of it an any way, it just makes it harder to credit someone. Life isn't about getting credit for your actions. Firemen don't save rescue people for the fame, it is their job, what they want to do, and how they make their difference in the world. If a fireman rescues a boy tomorrow from a burning house and that boy grows up to be the best leader in history, then that fireman is an anonymous contributor to whatever that boy achieves. This seems to be far more important than having your name on a poem discussed throughout classrooms nationwide. Sure it would be nice to be in a Norton Anthology one day, but I'll be dead by then and it won't matter a bit.

I want to raise a family and invest in my children and grandchildren the way my mother and grandmother invested in me, sometimes in ways they never even realized. Had my grandmother not had a burning desire to attend UNC in the late '30s then I might not be here today. Her choices in life, to be a mother and a social worker, have shaped my life in ways she would've never imagined. I wish that she could have known that I'm here now and that I think of her every time I walk down Franklin past Mallette Street where she grew up. My mother never tried to sell this place to me, in fact I'm pretty sure I never realized she went here until I was in middle school and it was highschool before I learned how many of my relatives had UNC degrees. She was subtle. She showed me her yearbooks on rainy days and took me to plays at Playmakers. Daddy brought me to a football game once. Other than that, I was left to my own decisions. I'm glad I made the right one. I can't imagine where my life would be now, had I chosen State or applied to Duke. I'm sure I'd be happy, but I can't imagine my life without the people I've met these past 2.5 years. I hope they continue to be a part of my life for the rest of it!

I don't really worry about the time when my life will end (although I do fervently hope that it is not any time soon!) because the way I want to live my life, that day will come and I'll have no regrets. I'm not a religious person and most of you know this. I have expressed my views on this to one person really, and I probably would need his help in order to put them into words again. I don't worry about an afterlife, or heaven and hell. My life will be lived the way it should, like it is a little piece of heaven on earth. I want to do big things, but more importantly, I want to affect people. It doesn't matter if they like me or not. I want to inspire strong emotion. Since Ashlei and I trade quotes (since she loved that "I'm attracted to fucked up people. No, thats not nice. I'm not attracted to normalcy) here is something she believes, "Love me or hate me, I couldn't care less". I want people to be able to say, "Wow, she is amazing! I wish more people were like that!" or even "I fucking hate her! Why is she like that?" To cause strong feelings of both kinds, you must be doing something right (and the people that don't like you are probably just jealous!). I think she makes a good point and I love her for it. I'll never forget the times we shared in middle school or highschool and I hope to see her to the great things that I know she is capable of. I want to make a difference after I leave UNC like she will when she graduates from ASU (and goes on to Law School since only she can argue as well or better than me!).

I want my kids to go to school here. But I want them to understand that if they chose somewhere else, I'd be just as proud of them (going to college will be non-negotiable). I want them to be able to look back on me and feel like I supported them enough to follow their dreams, without trying to inflict my dreams upon them. I want them to do what makes them happy and support them through it all, even if I'm not quite sure I understand, because once upon a time, my parents did that for me and I'm not sure I really thought about it before tonight. Thank you.

I want to love unconditionally. I want to see past everyone's little imperfections, to see how perfect they are. I want to know what it is like to be loved like that. To love and be loved like little kids. That deep sense of attachment. I want to help people achieve their dreams. There's a really great country song that goes, "In my dreams, your dreams come true" and that is a direction that I see my life going in. Seeing other people happy is what makes me happy. To do something for someone that seems small and inconsequential to me and watch the smile grow across their face, is a feeling I cannot accurately describe. Making people happy and seeing people smile is what brings me the most joy.

Took me a little longer than I thought to get around to talking about class. First the kinda lame sad quote "In life there is much to be endured, little to be enjoyed"

But I'll stick to the theme of balance. In order to find happiness there must be balance. You have to balance living in the present with remembering the past, and looking to the future. You can't live your whole life thinking about what has happened in the past, but neither can you live entirely for the future. There has got to be some time to enjoy the now. It's ok to look back on good memories and its also ok to plan for the future. But you can't let those things consume you. It's like working so hard to provide for your children (and their futures) that you miss out on the little moments of their childhoods.

I live almost entirely in the past and present cuz the future gets here fast enough without trying to speed it along. I don't plan alot ahead (haha like past the coming weekend) and I love to remember good times with good people

Excerpt from Mrs. Dalloway by Virginia Woolf

"I will come," said Peter, but he sat on for a moment. What is this terror? what is this ecstasy? he thought to himself. What is it that fills me with extraordinary excitement? It is Clarissa, he said. For there she was.

I really like that little passage. It shows what love can do to you. It is fear, pleasure, and happiness all mixed in together. Each of those emotions can be for several things too. Fear of what you feel, fear of losing it, and fear of messing up. Pleasure from being with that person, knowing that person is there for you when you might need them. Happiness from having someone to share with. I didn't like that whole damn book except for that little ending bit.

So I was pondering something as I waited for the bus today and it was the question of whether it is worse to be forgotten or to be ignored.

To be forgotten insinuates that your importance was slight to the person doing the forgetting. That causes a bit of pain to think that you had such a small impact on a person that they could forget about you. Memories are treasured pieces of us and I struggle to remember the names and faces of people that I have known throughout my life so that if I ran into someone, I'd be able to recall them and save us all some pain and embarrassment. It brings a certain warmth to the heart to find someone from times past and they remember you or something about you. I got a series of forwards from an email address I didn't know but a sender name that struck me as familiar. It turned out to be a girl that I had not seen or heard from since we were 5 years old (we had gone to the same daycare for most of the time before reaching kindergarden). We had not forgotten eachother even though it had been 15 years.

Now being ignored on the other hand is a bit more irksome and painful. It relates a certain feeling of willfulness on the part of the other person. Usually we use it to express our displeasure at//dislike of a person. Ignoring is one of the least noticeable but most hurtful punishments used. No one else really notices the act being perpetrated and we only see the slight pained look on a persons face.

Either of these situations are unpleasant and each lead to one of my greater fears.

So what do you think is worse?