Before you can grow up, you must fall in love 3 times.

Once you must fall in love with your best friend, ruining your friendship forever. This will teach you who your true friends are, and the fine line between friendship and more.

Once you must fall in love with someone you believe to be perfect. You will learn that no one is perfect, and that you should never be treated as any less than you deserve.

And once you must fall in love with someone that is exactly like you. This will teach you about who you are, and who you want to be.

And when you're through with all that, you learn that the people who care about you the most are the ones that you hurt, and the ones that hurt you are the ones that you needed the most.

But most of all, you learn that love is only a concept and is not something that can be defined, it is different to each person that experiences it. And you will learn to respect each and every person on this earth, knowing that everyone only wants to be loved.

At the end of the day, I am ok with the person I have become. I may not always like myself but there isn't much I'd go back and change. Being perfect was never a goal.

[insert big sigh here]

So recently I was accused of ‘giving myself far too much self worth’ by someone who is going to gain far too much pleasure in realizing this bothered me enough to write about. I’d like to know what people prefer, someone who at least puts on a good front of being self assured and confident or someone that lets their severe doubts and insecurities about themselves be known to everyone? Some days I have the self esteem to realize that I’m actually quite an amazing person who has a lot to contribute wherever I go. Other days I am crippled by doubt in myself and what I am doing with my life because I don’t have grand ideas or a master plan for it all.

I’ve gotten good at acting, pretending that I don’t care what people think. For the most part I actually don’t, I may be curious if I think you have an opinion that differs from how I see myself but I don’t actually give a damn and sometimes even find your interest or judgment of me to be amusing. But I do care immensely about the people that actually matter to me, perhaps not all friends per say, but people whose opinions I take seriously. Seeking approval is what I have done all my life, whether it was being the smartest student to impress teachers or being the best girlfriend. I don’t feel that seeking the approval of others is a bad thing; I’m not looking for a pat on the head but rather a smile or the knowledge of appreciation.

There is a difference between constructive criticism and your constant disparagement of seemingly everything that I happen to talk about. After realizing I was ‘exceedingly headstrong’ apparently you decided to break me of it at all costs. The fundamental difference between us is that you care too much about yourself and I care too much about other people.

Romance

Some time in my life, I would like a great romance. Not a grand one mind you, but a great one. I don't want to be whisked away to far away cities and be given gifts of jewelry. Instead I would like to be amazed and humbled at small showings of affection and caring that touch my heart. Because everyone, it is the small things that matter. Life isn't about the physical things, but rather, the emotional and mental things. I want to hear someone talk late into the night, and feel as though they are speaking directly to my soul.

Home

I would have never before said that I was proud of where I was from but I'm not sure I could love anywhere else as much. I love it for all the things that it gave me and even some of the things it did not give me. I only know my family back until a certain point because once you reach a specific place in time, records were not kept for the farmers and the poor. How could I not love the place that gave me initials on old trees by the stream or playing hide and go seek in 30 acres of untouched forest. The air smells different on the farm and I feel as though a weight has been lifted from my shoulders on the rare occasion that I get to return there. The rest of the world is amazing. It holds history that we will never know. I want to see it all, I want to roam the lands in Europe, Africa, and Asia. I want to see the ruins and read the history books and walk on paths cut by feet many centuries gone. Then I want to return home, to my quiet life. Return to walks in the woods with my father. I am both ashamed and fiercely proud of the small place that made me who I am. It is different than anywhere else. Unless you live less than 30 miles away, you've never heard of it and you never will. That doesn't mean the people who live here are any less important, its just that they devoted their lives to something different.

“Courage is not the absence of fear but the judgment that something else is more important than fear. The brave may not live forever but the cautious do not live at all. For now you are traveling the road between who you think you are and who you can be.”

I feel rather embarrassed that I just quoted "The Princess Diaries" but Meg Cabot actually wrote that line and I haven't forgotten it since I read that book probably 10 years ago. I put the part I like best in bold. I feel that a minute spent worrying or over analyzing a situation is a minute wasted when you could've been doing what you truly wanted to do instead of considering all the possible outcomes and picking the safe bet. Risk isn't a bad thing. Don't embrace the security of a 'safe life' too much (unless of course that is exactly what you desire) and make sure that while you are getting the bills paid you are also bringing your dreams to fruition.

I'd rather die a day, or a week, or even a month sooner if I could truly know in my heart that I took the big chances that actually made me a happier and better person. No sense in living til you're 102 if you spent half your life being bored or cautious.

So go and have an adventure or two. It will be a lot more satisfying than sitting at home just thinking about it. Be brave!

“We all die. The goal isn't to live forever, the goal is to create something that will.”

Chuck Palahniuk

This quote speaks to the deepest part of me. The part that doesn't know what comes after death, there might be a heaven and/or a hell. There could be simply nothing, death could be like a single light being extinguished or burnt out. My mind cannot grasp such intangible things as faith and religion. Belief in a higher power is something I will never have, despite my occasional longing for it because there is no proof strong enough in the world to satisfy my questions.

To battle these feelings, I think of how I can make a simple or small impact that will leave a mark after I am gone. To cause a positive change that has a ripple effect over those that I know is my only desire. So very few people ever realize the effect they have, I want to embrace the world and affect it as much as possible. It's the only way that I will be able to feel as if I'll live forever.

Please no comments about religion.